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Adult Jokes For today!!

admin — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 09:12:41 +0000

A judge asked a woman on why she wanted a divorce.
She answered, “Your Honor, he knew I’m a vegetarian and yet he still insists on
putting his meat in my mouth.”

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Woman: “Doc, an ant entered my
vaginal, can you please take it out”.

Doctor removes her panties and start making love.
Woman: “What are you doing?”

Doctor: “This is the only way to drown the
bastard!”

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Q: What is the closest thing similar to a
woman’s period?
Answer: Your SALARY. It comes once a month last 3 – 4 days
& if it doesn’t come you are in deep trouble!

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A lady visited her doctor again, Dr. said: U
look more sick & exhausted than before. Are u having 3
meals a day as I advised?
Lady: WHAT? I thought U said 3 MALES a day!!!!

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Women asked God to make The Penis Pretty.
GOD Said “No way; Now As It Is, The Penis is so ugly
& U still Suck It. If I make it Pretty You’ll Eat It
up!!
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A nun went 4 a urine test. The sample got
mixed up. When the doctor told her she was
pregnant.

She cried n said, “Shit, we can’t even
trust cucumber anymore.!”

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A boy pulls down his pants in front of a
girl & asked ” Do U have this? ”
The girl lifted up her skirt & said, ” My mom said
with this I can have a lot of THAT!”

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Schoolgirl: “I do not want to take the
SEX EDUCATION”.
Class Teacher: ” Why not?”

Schoolgirl: “Someone told me the FINAL EXAM would be
ORAL!”
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Mother asks daughter, how is married life?
Daughter shyly says like BRITISH AIRWAYS.

Mother reads the advertisement & is shocked. It says
” 7 DAYS A WEEK,TWICE A DAY, BOTH WAYS!

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What is the STRONGEST muscle?

TONGUE – It can raise a woman’s hip with just
one lick!.
The lightest
muscle?

PENIS! It can be raised by a woman’s tongue!

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Lady Immigration officer asked a
Korean tourist: Name? Park Yu.
The 0fficer become angry & shouted back: FUCK YOU! Now
what’s your full name?

Korean replied: PARK YU TOO!!
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Man to wife: Business is bad, if u learn how
to cook we can remove servant.

Wife: ASSHOLE! If u learn how to fuck, we can remove
driver, gardener & watchman..
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COCK say to his two BALLS: I am going to
take you with me to a party.

BALLS said: You big fucking liar. You always get INSIDE and
leave us waiting OUTSIDE!
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A baby dog asked mama dog how papa look
like?

Mama dog reply: How I know. Your papa came from behind
& I didn’t have chance to see his face” !

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What’s the difference between stress,
tension & panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant, tension is when girlfriend
is pregnant,
PANIC is when both are pregnant!

Legs And Feet

admin — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 09:42:53 +0000

Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing home residents.

They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her Husband had come to the nursing home.

The other woman said that her sex life was great!

“The secret to great sex is this,” the woman told her, “when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!”

Ethel says, “I’m going to try that tonight!”

When Ethel’s husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes. Although it’s a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can’t move.

It’s not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells “For God’s sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an asshole!”

How To Wave A Towel

admin — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 09:39:44 +0000

A farmer married an attractive woman half his age. After several months on the farm, she complained that she had never climaxed during sex; and according to her Grandma, all farm wives are entitled to climax once in a while.
There being no doctor nearby, the farmer took his young wife to see a large-animal Vet.

The Vet didn’t have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his Mum and Dad would fan a cow that was having any difficulty birthing a calf to cool her down and make her struggles easier. So,the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile, young man to wave a towel over them while they were having sex.This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to climax.

So the couple hired a strong, healthy young man from the big city to wave a towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, still no climax. They went back to the Vet.

The Vet said for the two men to change places. The young man would have sex with the wife while the farmer waved the towel.
They tried it that night and she went into wild, ear-splitting climaxes, one after the other. When it was over, the farmer smugly looked down at the young city man and said,

“Ya see, city slicker,now THAT is how you wave a towel!”

Technology

admin — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 09:35:30 +0000

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one…

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Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can’t get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute… I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still on my desk… Sorry….

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Tech support: Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

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Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello… I can’t print.
Tech support: Would you click on “start” for me and…
Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not Bill Gates.

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Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try, it says ‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it…

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Customer: I have problems printing in red…
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah………………..thank you.

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Tech support: What’s on your monitor now, ma’am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.

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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Ah…that one does work…

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Tech support: Your password is the small letter “a” as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
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Customer: can’t get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

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Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That’s not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry…Internet Explorer.

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Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

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Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

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A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: “No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.”

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And last but not least…
Tech support: “Okay Colin, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter “P” to bring up the Program Manager.”
Customer: I don’t have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: “P”…..on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

A Game At Bedtime

admin — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 09:39:55 +0000

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a
few minutes the old man lets out a loud fart and says “one-nil.”
His wife rolls over and asks, “What in the world was that?”
The old man says, “A goal. I’m ahead one-nil.”
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, “Goal! One all.”
The old boy farts again. “Goal! I’m ahead 2-1.”
Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says,
“Goal! 2 all.”
The old man tries to fart again, but cannot. Trying desperately not
to be out-done by his wife, he gives it everything he has to get out
just one more fart.
He strains a little too hard and sh*ts the bed.
The wife asks, “Now what in the world was that?”
The old man replies, “Half-time, switch sides.”

Three Jobs

admin — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 09:38:12 +0000

There Were An Engineer, …
… manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road.

The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control.

Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff.

They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

The manager said “To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution.”

The engineer said “No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it.”

The programmer said “I think you’re both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again.”

Hospital

admin — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 09:31:35 +0000

A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts

into his grandpa’s room.

“Grandpa, Grandpa,” he says excitedly, “As soon as Grandma comes into

the room, make a noise like a frog!”

“What?” said his grandpa.

“Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that as soon as you croak,

we’re all going to Disneyland !!!”